


The flower that died

by Cr4zydreamer, XEOHE



Series: Under your mask [3]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Mama Hera Syndulla, Our smol gets the talk, References to Depression, Survivor Guilt, Whumptober 2019, but he'll be okay, for a while, he has been avoiding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 04:08:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21247232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cr4zydreamer/pseuds/Cr4zydreamer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/XEOHE/pseuds/XEOHE
Summary: After weeks of avoiding, Ezra finally has a talk with Hera.An AU where Kanan never made it out of Malachor.





	The flower that died

**Author's Note:**

> Whumptober 2019 prompts used:  
14\. Tear-stained  
20\. Trembling  
25\. Humiliation

Ezra knew Hera would talk with him. It was only a matter of time; knowing her, she would probably convince him once more that he wasn’t at fault. The only thing he could do was delay that meeting, but he couldn’t avoid her forever.

They hadn’t done any important missions in a while, only the occasional supply runs, probably at Hera’s request. Another thing he was blaming himself for. They didn’t need to do anything for his sake.

For almost a month now, the crew had mostly left him alone to his thoughts, but when he’d nearly collapsed from fatigue and stress a few hours prior, Hera had decided enough was enough. She had given him a firm command to meet her in the cockpit, just the two of them. Ezra had usually been playing deaf or stealing away whenever Hera or any of the others would ask him to eat or spend time with them, but a direct order was something he knew he couldn’t ignore.

Now they were both in the cockpit, Ezra purposely avoiding her gaze. He knew if he looked her in the eyes, he would break down crying for the millionth time. 

_ Murderer. _

_ Coward. _

_ Why couldn't the voices go away? He was getting tired of fighting all of them… _

“Ezra, I know it’s hard. But please, let us help you,” Hera started speaking, voice soft but with a hint of firmness underneath it. “None of us have seen you for days, sometimes weeks. I can tell you barely sleep or eat enough to function. You look almost thinner than when we had first met you.”

She got no response; Ezra only nodded methodically. He stared blankly at the floor and wouldn’t lift his head. For a long minute Hera said nothing more, and Ezra thought that would be the end of it.

But of course Hera wouldn't be deterred.

Ezra flinched in surprise as she slowly lowered herself onto the floor in front of him. He had no choice but to look at her, and for the first time saw the lines of worry and grief and hardship in her face.

_ He caused that, didn't he? _

“Ezra, talk to me...” He noticed how her voice shook, how her eyes softened as she stared at him. “I just want to help you.  _ Let  _ me help you…”

_ Why does she want to help? You’re worthless. _

“I’m okay... ” he answered quietly. “No one needs to help me… Kanan— ” He choked back a sob and looked away, instead whispering out, “...I’m sorry.”

"Ezra…" Hera reached out and he honestly wouldn't blame her if she struck him… but she only cupped his cheek and gently turned him back so they could see eye to eye. "I know. I know you're sorry, but you have nothing to apologize for. His death wasn't your fault. It  _ wasn't  _ your fault," she repeated, when Ezra started to argue. "Ahsoka told me what happened."

_ Ahsoka told her…—  _ he wanted to scream.

"You couldn't have known. Ezra, Jedi may be powerful, but they aren't infallible. You couldn't have predicted what happened."

"I trusted—I  _ trusted _ the person who killed Kanan—"

Hera shook her head. "You have a good heart, Ezra, never be sorry for that. You had good intentions—"

" _ My 'good intentions' got Kanan killed! _ " Ezra screamed, shooting up to his feet. His words seemed to echo throughout the whole ship. The whole base. Let the whole universe know.

He bowed his head, crying in earnest now, disgusted with himself for even shouting, for  _ crying _ again, for everything. He balled his hands into fists and dug his fingernails into his palm, hoping they'd cause him pain so he had something else to focus on.

Hera watched him dejectedly before standing up herself. By this time Ezra had buried his face in his hands, heaving in painful sobs.

She wrapped her arms around Ezra, tightening the hug when he tried to pull away. "Ezra, I'm sorry." 

** _Why _ ** _ was she the one apologizing?  _ He wanted to protest but the tears just wouldn't kriffing stop.

"I'm sorry we let you suffer for this long. We thought we were giving you time to grieve, but we were wrong. We shouldn't have left you alone.  _ I  _ shouldn't have left you alone." She rubbed his back in small circles, voice dropping to a wet, quiet whisper. She wasn't crying, no, but the raggedness of her voice spoke volumes, and for the first time since his master’s death, Ezra welcomed her emotions with the Force and felt them,  _ understood  _ them. "Kanan loved you. And I know he would want you to keep moving forward, just like all of us are.”

_ But not Kanan himself... _

“It’s hard,” Hera continued. “I  _ know  _ it’s hard. But this is how we can honor his memory, his legacy.”

He trembled in her arms, “I’m so sorry, Hera. I miss him, so  _ kriffing  _ much.” He pressed his face against her shoulder. “I want this nightmare to be over.”

“We’ll get through this, I promise.”

_ I promise... _

“It’ll take a while, it might even feel like forever, but we have each other, hon. You don’t have to do this by yourself.” She pressed a kiss on the top of his head and didn’t let go. “I want you to remember that.” They remained that way for a very long time, but she still didn’t break away from him. Somehow the embrace calmed him just as much as her words. He’d almost forgotten how much he’d craved for a friendly touch.

When Ezra’s tears finally stopped, for the first time since Malachor he didn’t feel hollowed out… he felt lighter. Nothing was still okay, and he suspected it would remain that way for a very long time… his doubts were insurmountable, and the loss still felt raw and could be set off at any given time by any small thing. 

But now he knew that he wouldn’t be alone through it all. And he actually believed it.


End file.
